


His Favorite Person

by JaneAire



Series: My Favorite Person [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Forgiveness, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 22:47:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15129413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneAire/pseuds/JaneAire
Summary: "Breathe," Connor whispered, cradling the back of my head in one hand, the other smoothing the fabric of his shirt across my back. "Stay. I don't want you alone tonight. I want you here."Sequel to "My Favorite Person", requested from my tumblr.





	His Favorite Person

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a year ago and never posted it. Whoops? 
> 
> Sequel to my favorite person. Check the tags, kiddos.

The heavy patter of rain did little to soothe the headache I had building behind my ears. Hurrying through the cement pathways to the dorms, trying my best to avoid getting absolutely soaked, and absolutely failing. It didn't matter that I'd spent nearly an hour on my smokey eye and insuring that nearly every half inch of hair was curled perfectly--the black rivers of mascara were visible on my clavicle, staining my white dress beyond repair, starting another unstoppable flow of tears, and my hair was plastered to my neck and face, hopelessly tangled and tacky with hairspray. How much time and money and effort had I wasted on tonight? And for what? 

My phone still felt like a hot brand in my pocket, Jared's words on my voicemail still skewering me through the chest. Connor was right. He'd been right about everything. And I'd ignored him. 

I swore under my breath, nodding to the DA as I entered the building like I was supposed to be here, flashing my student ID at them too quickly for them to realize that was a mistake. I think they worked here three months ago, when I'd come and go with Connor almost every day. Co-ed dorms were sort of perfect, in that sense. It didn't change the fact Connor was still in the arts dorms--and I was still just one floor away from Jared every night. My heart constricted. 

I'd never felt something like this, I thought bitterly, avoiding eye contact in the elevator with a very concerned freshman girl. I think she may have been in my journalism class, staring at me with wide eyes. I looked like I'd just been run over by a dump truck. 

I imagined it might hurt less.  

It was unfair, I knew, to show up at his place after three months of not being here. It wasn't that we stopped talking--that hadn't been it at all. We still hung out, sans Jared, went to the movies or to the mall or the library. 

It's just that we'd noticed very quickly, this thing we had assumed hadn't mattered to our friendship, suddenly did. I'd tried to swing by his dorm a few times in the beginning, when Jared and I had first started dating, when it was fun to make fun of Jared and how he kissed with his hands at his sides and his eyes open, just a little. 

But Connor and I just couldn't get over the fact in the middle of this room was a _bed_. 

It was never supposed to matter. It wouldn't have, if Jared hadn't been in the picture. 

Jared ruined everything. 

I bit back a fresh wave of tears, suddenly finding myself at Connor's door. 

I didn't know what I was doing here. 

Running my fingers through my hair or brushing back the black stains from my face seemed pointless. None of it would change the fact that I was bloated from the rain, nearly freezing. My white dress was ruined, soaking wet and stain black near my chest. Part of me knew Connor wouldn't care. 

I knocked on the door, suddenly aware I could hear more voices on the other side of the door than just Connor's. I was nearly turned around and running down the hall in my stilettos when the knob twisted. Too late. 

"--What'd you forget now--Oh." 

I barely recognized Evan. I'd only seen him a few times. His face had been stretched wide with a smile when he'd opened the door, and now he was taking me in with a glassy eyed gaze that made me realize he was contemplating shutting the door. He didn't recognize me. I looked at my feet, willing myself not to turn around. I swallowed the bile rising in my throat. 

"Is Connor--" 

"Man, who is it?" 

_Connor_. He sounded different. Good different, the way someone sounds after the laughter has died down and all the fluff of the moment is still stuck in your stomach. Amused. Happy. I missed him. 

Ducking my chin lower so that Evan couldn't see my lip quiver, I realized this was a mistake. Evan whispered my name into the room, and I heard Connor's sharp intake of breath. 

" _What?_ " He asked breathlessly, the sound of his boots stromping against the floor as he ran to the door. 

"This was a mistake," I told Evan quickly, shaking in my heels as I fell against the wall, propping myself up on my manicured  hands--another waste of money, time, energy, and for _what?_ "I have to go--"

"Where are you going?" 

_Connor_. 

I chanced a look at him from the corner of my eye. He was leaned halfway out of the doorframe, mouth open, eyes glazed in the same way Evan's had. His hands were braced high on the frame, bracing himself, Evan crouched slightly beneath him. 

Connor was dressed, which I wasn't used to seeing that frequently, in nice black jeans, new black boots, a grey cotton button up I didn't recognize. His belt was undone a little, and I noticed his nails were smearing paint on to the white molding of the door. He wasn't wearing any jewelry. 

They were going out for the night. Connor breathed my name again, too softly, and I had to look away. 

"What are you doing here?" He asked again, not moving from his position. 

"Wrong dorm, I should go home--" 

"You're soaking wet," he muttered, and I watched his slate eyes rake quickly over me, before settling on my face. His expression had quickly become hard and unreadable. I didn't know what it meant. I tried to remember the last time Connor and I had spoken--it had been earlier in the week, about nothing important. 

I was scum. I was worse than scum. 

"Get in here, you're gonna freeze. I've got some clothes for you. Evan, grab a towel, will you?" 

When they left the doorframe, I made my way into the room, sheepishly accepting a towel from Evan and burying my face in it, no doubt ruining it. Someone's hands collected my hair, combing gently with their fingers and securing it on top of my head with a scrunchie. Connor. 

"C'mere, sit down, what's wrong? Did something happen? You got caught in the rain--I'll grab you some clothes. Evan--" 

"I'm gonna run to the library. I'll see you guys later." 

Connor muttered something to him, but I was too focused on Connor's hands steering my hips toward his bed, sitting me down and just as quickly as they'd came, his hands were gone, his boots audible on the floor as he rifled through his drawers, tossing me some clothes. I kept my face buried in the towel, willing the tears of embarrassment away. 

"I'm gonna step out while you change. Knock when you're finished." 

I took a selfish minute, using the towel to scrub the black marks off my face, sort of glad I had the rain to use to slick back the strands of hair Connor had missed. 

Peeling off the dress was hard. Stuck to my skin in more than one spot, and it had no zipper, meaning it was simply a frustrating fight as I rolled it down my body, hearing a few seams pop as it rolled past my hips. 

Connor had given me a pair of my own sweats--something I'd left here almost a year ago, the night shockingly clear in my head through all the grey monotone of the room. 

I toweled off my arms, letting my eyes slip closed selfishly to recall, just for a moment, back when things were easier. When Connor and I were actually friends, not just someone I texted when my boyfriend was too busy to talk. 

\--  
_"Eager, aren't we?" I grinned through my teeth, earning only a frustrated grunt from Connor, who paused in his work to grab a tight hold of my hip to slam it against the door, not hard enough to hurt, and it earned him another giggle from me._

__"We've got all night, you know," I reminded him in a soothing voice, carding a hand through his hair, sighing a little when my rings got caught in the tangles. All I could see was his hair, silhouetted with a blue halo from the light of the television. He was pretty down on his knees, cursing colorfully under his breath as he tried and failed to undo my belt. "Would you like some help?"_ _

___"No," he growled, shoving his face forward into my thigh with a groan. "I can get it, give my just a few more minutes. Please. I can do it."_ _ _

____"Connor," I whispered sweetly, rubbing circles into his shoulders from where I was leaned against the door. "Not I don't love having your face so close to my crotch, but my lady boner is kinda dead."_ _ _ _

_____"Fuck," he sighed, letting his hands fall to the floor with a heavy thunk, sinking forward with his face in my thigh again. "I promise I tried--"_ _ _ _ _

______"Don't sweat it," I said, despite feeling a little disappointed. Connor had talked a big game at the pizza place, and it had taken five minutes of 'how the shit does a loop belt work' to kill my buzz. "We can watch a movie instead. I think Monsters Inc is on--"_ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Still fuckin' horny over here," Connor muttered, leaning his head against the door as I skirted around him, going to sit on the edge of the bed. I just snorted._ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"What do you want? An award?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________"Shut up," he growled, shoving his hands in his lap as if it would will away the problem. It might, if he pressed hard enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"C'mere," I called, settling against the headboard, and Connor came without being told twice, kicking off his shoes and pushing his hair behind his ears. He didn't crowd too close or immediately lean into me, just sat beside me, his hip barely brushing mine, staring at me with wide eyes as he waited for instruction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________"Aren't you gonna kiss me?" I giggled, feeling suddenly self conscious as Connor continued to stare. Glancing down at his lap let me know he shouldn't have had a problem following my suggestion. He shook his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"You said you aren't in the mood. I don't wanna...ya know, just because--fuck, it wouldn't be fun if you aren't into it. It'll die down."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He looked away quickly, drawing his knees up to his chest, focusing on something very interesting on the comforter. When I placed my hand over his, he hissed a little, drawing back and apologizing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"I'm a little overstimulated right now," he apologized. "Maybe I should just go to the bathroom--I'll be back."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________"Connor, I can--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"No!" He shouted, laughing a little bit, letting me know he wasn't too worried. "It's just--if you aren't excited, it isn't fun. Driving you nuts is what makes it good. Uh," he shifted off the bed, giving me a sheepish smile. "No hetero, though."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________He was gone for less than the length of a scene, reappearing from the bathroom in just his boxer shorts, his hair tangled into a bun atop his head, a lazy grin on his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"Better?" I giggled as he crawled under the comforter, surprising me by wrapping his arms around me, pressing his face into the crook of my neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________"Mhm," he sighed, tangling our legs together. "Time to sleep."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________I snorted. "You're such a loser! Stay up and watch this masterpiece with me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________I felt him frown into my clavicle, burrowing deeper into my hair. "No. 'M tired. Got class in the morning."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________"You were the one who suggested we come over here because you were gonna blow my mind."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________________His fist connected lazily with my hip, causing me to jump and giggle, rolling away from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"Never wear that belt again. I'm deadass serious, I hate it. It's a mood killer. My peen has suffered tonight," he said in such a monotone I had to roll back over to laugh at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________________"Is that your way of asking me to kiss it better? Because I'm not sucking your dick. That's a little too much for me--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________"Christ!" He groaned, covering his face with his hands. "Don't talk about him, you'll wake him up!" Which earned another round of giggles from me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________I was almost asleep when I felt his lips brush my shoulder, startling me awake._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________"Is it weird yet?" He whispered, placing another kiss against the nape of my neck, close-mouthed and lingering, making me shiver._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________________"Is what weird yet, Con?" I asked, reaching around to rub the back of his thigh, dragging his leg above my hip. Maybe tonight wouldn't be a bust afterall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"Us. Fucking."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________________________I shook my head sharply as he sucked a spot into the juncture of my neck, digging my fingernails into the soft skin of his thigh. "No. We made a deal. It's chill, Con, it's just sex."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________"Fuck," I heard him whisper, rolling his hips against my ass. "Fuck, yeah, this was a good idea. Just--can we, please? I wanna--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________________________I flipped quickly onto my back, dragging him over me, watching as his slate eyes became entirely engulfed by black as he looked down at me, surging forward to seal his mouth to mine, licking eagerly at my teeth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________"Can we?" He breathed, his forehead leaned against mine, jumping forward to peck eagerly at my mouth. Stealing his hands, I lead them down to the hem of my shirt, letting him push it up and over my head with a bit too much force as I undid my belt, letting him sit back to watch how I did it for future reference._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________"Such bullshit," he grumbled, helping me slide off the belt and thrown it off the bed, before hooking his fingers through my belt loops and tugging off my jeans. It was suddenly cold, and I was painfully aware that we were both in our underwear, Connor sitting across my thighs and panting hard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________"You're beautiful," he breathed, tugging at my bra straps to ask for permission to remove it. I let him, his thin, cold fingers lingering as they traced patterns across my chest. "That okay?" He asked, throwing the bra in the corner of the room. I nodded, laughing when I caught sight of his red face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________________________"This is like the sixth time we've done this, Connor," I giggled, letting my fingernails scratch across his lower stomach, watching the muscles jump beneath the skin, seeing the fabric across the front of his underwear shift excitedly. My stomach twisted anxiously. "I'll tell you when I don't like something, okay? Be confident. It looks good on you."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________He gave me an absent grin, letting his fingers run across my stomach, making me shift uncomfortably again. "It's the fifth time. Number five."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________________________________I smiled brightly at him. "Happy anniversary, then. You'd better have protection."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________"Duh. Christ, the last thing we'd want are little Connors--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________________________________"Please do not kill my boner again," I sighed, pleased when he leaned back down to kiss my softly, letting his fingers tangle in my hair as his hips began to cant upward again of their own accord._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________"You're so, so beautiful," he whispered again, pressing a kiss to my neck. "Thanks for agreeing to this, by the way. I think my grades are going up."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Scratching down his back, I sighed blissfully, letting my legs hook around his back, despite being still semi-dressed. I was more than content to go slow. "My pleasure, Mr. Murphy. But, uh, turn off the tv. I can't fuck to a Pixar movie."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________\----_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________A knock from the other side of the bathroom door shook me from my thoughts, sliding one of Connor's t-shirts over my head and yelling for him to come back in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Connor leaned against the doorjamb, making it obvious again to me that he was planning to go out for the night, making the guilt churn deep in my stomach. Still, he was rolling up the sleeves of his button up, looking at me with concerned eyes, his hair a curling halo around his head. He looked nice, like he'd been heading out on a date._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I stood, straightening out his shirt, fussing with my hair, already making my way to the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Thanks for the clothes. I'll get out of your hair." I gave him my most convincing grin, hoping he accepted my earlier behavior as just a side effect of the cold autumn rain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Connor's eyebrows furrowed, arms folded across his chest from where he leaned against the doorway. "You won't stay?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I frowned as I gathered up my ruined dress, before tossing it in the trash by his desk. There went three paychecks. Connor's eyebrows raised higher, his jaw dropping a little. He could tell something was off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Nah," I grinned, hiking a thumb toward the door. "I just got caught in the rain and wigged a little and I knew I had clothes here, so, uh, thanks and--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You're rambling," Connor muttered, not at all amused. "It's still raining. Please stay."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I shifted awkwardly. "It might rain all night."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________He shrugged, examining the carpet closely. "So? Stay. Unless Kleinman has some issue and would prefer you catch cold."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________If he saw me flinch, he didn't mention it, and I let myself drift into the room and slide back down against the bed. "He doesn't care."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Mm," Connor said, sliding his button up off his shoulders, leaving him in a grey tank top. He was watching me as if he thought I couldn't see him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You were going out," I accused as he unclasped a necklace, setting it on  his desk, sliding his rings off his fingers one by one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Don't worry about it. Didn't wanna go anyway. Besides," he shot a mischievous grin over his shoulder, shaking me to the core and effectively scattering the grey monotone of the day. "When's the last time we just chilled? Feels like I haven't seen you in forever."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I let my eyes slip closed, burrowing myself deeper into the sheets, deciding that Connor wouldn't kick me out anytime soon. I tried to remember the last time I'd seen him for more than a few minutes, just the two of us without Jared hovering a few feet away with a pinched expression. I had a difficult time recalling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"We went to that Star Wars marathon last month," I offered, remembering meeting him on a day Jared had some field trip. I remembered feeling awkward, holding Connor's hand and the woman at the ticket booth mistaked us for a couple. I remembered not knowing what to talk about, unsure how candid to be when Connor asked me how awful dating Jared was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________It hadn't been awful. It had been surprising good. He wasn't the cutest or the nicest or the most romantic--but he was candid and, in some ways, I think we bonded more over his harsh honesty than any other thing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Ironic, since it would be our downfall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You left after the Empire Strikes back," he pointed out, raising his eyebrows as if to signify it didn't count. I nodded, unable to produce another time it was just he and I._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Jared had been...less than thrilled to find out how close Connor and I were. That's not to say I'd informed him of our situation, but I think part of him definitely knew. He never outright told me not to see Connor--I'd have kicked his ass if he had--but there was this strong implication he wasn't alright with it. Then, suddenly, Jared and I were spending every free moment we had together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Let's do something," Connor supplied excitedly, plopping down onto the bed beside me, eyes wide. "We can play Final Fantasy--the Moogle Chocobo festival DLC is back. Or we can watch a movie, if you just need to chill."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________He'd switched his expression into one of concern, his pink lips down turned into a pout. I gave him another convincing smile. "Let's watch a movie. I'm too tired to follow anything too closely right now."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________He grinned, hoping off the bed. "You got it. Help yourself to the food in the fridge."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I just watched him scamper around the room from my nest on the bed, his moments quick and lithe, more stretching than shuffling, pushing his hair back behind his ears repeatedly with his lithe fingers. They'd be cold. They'd be soft. I shook my head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Not hungry," I ammended, watching him pop a DVD into the player. His room looked the same, his bed just as messy as always. Water bottles were hoarded on his bedside table, along with his phone and a Kate Chopin novel. "Got any booze, though?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________He stood stiffly, turning to look at me with a concealed expression. "Uh, no. I stopped drinking."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Mm," I groaned. "Does Evan? I'd pay him back."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Connor pinched his eyebrows. "Like Hansen would let our DA find alcohol in here."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Fair," I decided, scrubbing at my face. My dorm had alcohol. I should've gone there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Connor settling in beside me, heating the sheets immediately and throwing an arm above my head, giving me the space to roll my head against his chest, if I chose to. I didn't._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Does Kleinman know about your drinking problem?" He muttered, his breath ghosting across my temple._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"I don't have a drinking problem," I hissed. "And I don't think Jared cares what I do."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You keep saying that," Connor sighed, and I felt his hand settle comfortably onto my thigh, tugging me a little closer. I let him. "Did you guys have a fight?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Something like that," I grumbled, and I felt Connor stiffen beside me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You broke up with him," he whispered, pulling back to get a better look at me. I just sunk, feeling the shame wash over me again, burrowing deeper into the covers so Connor couldn't see my face. "Christ, what'd he do? I swear, I'll kick his ass--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Fuck, Con, I didn't break up with him, okay?" I nearly shouted, covering my face with my hands, feeling tears squeezing out between my tightly pinched eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"I don't understand," he said dumbly, causing me to swear again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Connor, can you just guess the obvious?" I hissed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You had a fight?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I scrambled out of the bed, causing Connor to yell out some protests before he realized I was just grabbing for my phone. My fingers burned slightly as they buzzed across the screen, opening my voicemail folder before queueing up the most recent to play, throwing it to Connor as the monotone voicemail hummed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________________"You have one missed message from: the boyfriend. If you would like to play this message, press one. To delete this message--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________The harsh beep let me know Connor had selected to play it, and I was immediately greeted with the sound of Jared taking in a quick breath, as if to steady himself. I shivered a little._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________________"Hey, babe, it's me. I hope you aren't on you way over yet. Listen...ugh, um, last night was loads of fun--no pun intended--but, uh, we both knew this wasn't...it just wasn't gonna be a long term thing, right? My parents are super pleased--and, hey, I'll still come over for thanksgiving! I know your mom loves me! Just--I don’t think we should be together anymore? It's not you, it's totally me. I'm just too busy for a relationship, and we're too different. It's not like this was--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________The message cut off, leaving us in silence before Connor clicked off the phone. Part of me wanted to call Jared, ask what he was going to say, but I decided I didn't wanna know. I shouldn't have cared._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"What a fucking weasel," Connor hissed. I had my back to him, but I could feel his eyes roaming over me, searching for something he could use to read me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Yeah," I sniffed, scrubbing at my eyes. I refused to cry in front of Connor over something as tribal ad this. "I was on my way over, too. I was walking there when I saw I had the missed call. I--I really should've seen it coming, though. It's not like, y'know."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________There was a beat of silence, making me sweat coldly as I turned to retrieve my phone, meeting Connor's hard gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You liked him," he accused in a cold voice, and I couldn't bring myself to look away from his disappointed glare, not even as the shame filled me up until I couldn't breathe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Connor--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You _liked_ him," Connor whispered again. "And that fucking weasel--what did he mean? About last night? What the fuck was that?" _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________He was standing now, his fingers woven deep in his hair, scratching absently at the back of his neck. "Did you sleep with him? He slept with you and then he broke up with you?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________Connor was waiting on me to answer, but all the words in my stomach kept choking me, my head pounding so hard I thought it would explode. I watched Connor's expression morph from anger to pity. That was much worse._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Sweetheart," he whispered, kneeling on the bed across from me. Slapping his hands away, I stood, leaning against the wall._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"We didn't!" I sobbed frantically, desperate for Connor to not think less of me. I couldn't understand why I felt so guilty. "We were going to. We almost did. He didn't wanna use protection, so we got in a fight and just decided to try again later, so--" I choked on my words again, covering my face with my hands, scratching. I felt icky, like I needed a long shower to scrub all of Jared off me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I waited. Waited for Connor to ask me to leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I deserved it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Thanks for the clothes," I gasped through my hands. "But I should really be going."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Don't--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Connor, please don't make this harder than it has to be," I groaned, beginning to make for the door before Connor stepped in front of me, catching me, forcing my head to fall to his chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________The stimulating was overwhelming--the smell and feel of him bringing back memories I didn't know I'd forgotten, until I was clutching tightly to the fabric of his tank top._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Breathe," Connor whispered, cradling the back of my head in one hand, the other smoothing the fabric of his shirt across my back. "Stay. I don't want you alone tonight. I want you here."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I shook my head, sliding my hands down his bare arms to push him away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"No. That's not fair to you."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"What's that supposed to mean?" He hissed, turning on me with glaring eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"I haven't spoken to you in months, Connor!" I yelled, going again for the door, just to be blocked. "I've ignored your calls--for Jared of all people. I liked him, even when you told me what a dick he was, just because I'm too scared to let my parents down. I don't even know how to tell them I screwed this up. And what does that say about me? That stupid Jared Kleinman won't even date me? And I put you through all of that, and you're just going to stand there and for what? Didn't that--didn't it hurt?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________He was just staring. Jaw twitching every so often, he looked away, scrubbing a hand over his mouth to hide his expression. His adam's apple dipped as he swallowed whatever words he was choking on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"It wasn't--fuck, it wasn't great, okay? It was only awful because it was him. Sleeping with you and then not sleeping with you--that wasn't fun either," he paused, leaning against the door to gaze at me with slate eyes, vulnerable and unsure. "Knowing you were gonna sleep with Kleinman--that you _wanted_ to sleep with him, that wasn't great. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________The thing that hurt the worst was more obvious, y'know. You wanted to be with him instead of me. That...that wasn't the best. And I mean, I know we aren't crazy close but--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"You're my best friend," I interrupted, leaning forward so that my head rested on his bare clavicle. "You have no idea how important you are. I understand if you can't forgive me--"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"There is nothing to forgive," Connor murmured, leaning forward to press a kiss to my hair. "You didn't owe me anything. We don't have to talk about it, alright? Let's curl up in bed and watch this movie? Yeah?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________When I pulled away, he was so close I could feel his breath on my cheek, and I watched him smile brightly at me, his slate eyes burning. I felt myself relaxing against him, nodding, earning a laugh that shook his chest, the sound echoing in my skull in a warm way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________"Rest," Connor urged, reaching up to cup the back of my head with his thin fingers, spreading warmth down my spine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I nodded against his chest, listening to the barely audible opening of the movie._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________We'd be okay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________I'd be okay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos always appreciated and have a lovely day ♡♡♡


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